Born2BeWild4U

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says ‘would you like a screw for that mirror’ No she said ‘but I’d suck your cock for a lawn mower’.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex………..Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ‘ finish off on her face ‘ didn’t mean ‘ What I thought it did ‘

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ‘ sorry about the wait ‘ I said ‘ don’t worry you fat bitch, you’ll lose it eventually ‘

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ‘ if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ‘ if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! ‘……………Murphy says ‘Four!’

One of life’s great mysteries – How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK………… but she’s unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ‘ she’ll be f**king lucky with a face like that!’

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them…………..Here’s how it goes ‘ Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

Years ago it was suggested ‘ that an apple a day kept the doctor away ‘ But since all the doctors are now muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!