Born2BeWild4U

Men vs Women

January 26, 2009 on 1:25 pm | In Lori's journal | No Comments

What She Really Means
* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.
* I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
* You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. .I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
* I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(Women’s answers to “What’s Wrong?”)
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole
I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

What He Really Means
“I’m going fishing.” = “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“I’m going hunting” = “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn’t blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece…(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)”
“Let’s take your car.” = “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
“Woman driver.” = “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.” = “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
“It’s a guy thing.” = “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?” = “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” = Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
“Good idea.” = “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
“Have you lost weight?” = “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
“My wife doesn’t understand me.” = “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
“It would take too long to explain.” = “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.” = “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“I got a lot done.” = “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
“We’re going to be late.” = “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.” = “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
“You cook just like my mother used to.” = “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” = “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” = “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.” = “Are you still talking?”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” = “I forgot our anniversary again.”
“You expect too much of me.” = “You want me to stay awake.”
“It’s a really good movie.” = “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
“That’s women’s work.” = “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“Go ask your mother.” = “I am incapable of making a decision.”
“You know how bad my memory is.” = “I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” = “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Football is a man’s game.” = “Women are generally too smart to play it.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” = “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“I do help around the house.” = “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” = “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.” = “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?” = “What did you catch me at?”
“What do you mean, you need new clothes?” = “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
“She’s one of those rabid feminists.” = “She refused to make my coffee.”
“But I hate to go shopping.” = “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.” = “You may actually get it to start.”
“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.” = “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
“I heard you.” = “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.” = “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.” = “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I brought you a present.” = “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
“I missed you.” = “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” = “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.” = “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
“This relationship is getting too serious.” = “I like you more than my truck.”
“I recycle.” = “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.” = “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
“It sure snowed last night.” = “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
“It’s good beer.” = “It was on sale.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.” = “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.” = “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.” = “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
“I broke up with her.” = “She dumped me.”
“Will you marry me?” = “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”